im sorry, im a pain in the ass. i never knew going to work was better than being with me. it is painful. im hurt, i suck. im careless and im clumsy. i lost my phone and i was about to lost my wallet and i was upset with myself cos i think its true, i cant take good care of my things. i suck.

you always thought i always go home late especially with my friends and always wanna rush home when im with you, but you guys didnt know, although im turning 18, im still a baby in the family and i have a stupid curfew, which i think other lucky kids doesnt need one. when the clock strikes 10:30, and im still outside, ill run from wherever i am to rush back home and ill perspire badly. i always have to make my friends to hurry and because of me they have to go home early which i know they hate it sometimes but i think they dont want to make me feel bad, they would go home early too. but to think back, other kids even have togo back at 6 pm, or maybe just slightly earlier. dont you think im at least lucky. i dont want to be a bad kid i dont want to not obey my family rules cos then my mom wll be sad and she's already having her own problems. i dont want people to look at me and say " look at that kid, she have no dad and she's a bad girl now, her mom cant take good care of her." i dont want that to happen. dont you see it that way? can you understand?if not u, not my friends who else gonna understand me?

i suck. i suck .

i think my life actually suck, my english suck but at least i got a 2 for my N level and a 6 for O level. bloody hell. i wanna go poly but i failed math only so no polytechnic. i love math, but i failed math. i think my weight is acceptable but fuckers out there always think im fat and some would wanna compare mine w theirs.and because of them, they make me wanna binge and purge. money. money is bloody important. i always envy you people who get to shop and buy nice things. you know, people buy nice tops and bottoms at levis, swatch all that. ill buy mine from bugis street, giordano, baleno,3 for $10 shop. people brag about going to concerts, i brag about going to a local theratre show. but i still think i look awesome and i had fun doing all that but its the remarks, the brand of the item and the cost of the things that makes me wanna have more.

i always dress up like i have money but i dont. i love dressing up what can you say.

at the point when i was about to lost my wallet that contains $20, my ic, some pictures ite uniforms receipt and other important stuff, i was totally sad. that's was like my money for this week.

i hate my body. i have many problems. acnes on my back, face, im chubby i hate my leg and i hate other parts of the body, sometimes when i hold a knife i feel like scraping all the scars off my legs all that. i hate it! oh how i shudnt have complain about this. i suck.

i think my life sometimes suck. suddenly i love hi-5. suddenly i love to complain suddenly i hate myself. suddenly i want a new life. suddenly i want to change evrything. but i hate new environment. people thought that im not shy cos im a vivacious kid, a bubbly loud crazy hyper one. but i also hate new environment.im scared people would disturb me, people would call me names and im scared people would make fun of my father's name.i think he is someone special and i dont find the name any different. i think my dad's name is just ordinary and simple. why make it a big fuss? i actually do have a shell.i hide sometimes.but i dont like showing to people that im scared. i love challenges.i love the attention. if people said i cant do it i bloody will show you i can. and when girls dont want to do one thing, i will want to do it. cos then ill be the only girl to do it.and i think girls can do whatever boys can except to pee standing up of course. and i hate it when people stopped me from doing something i wanna do. stop telling me how to live my life. you have your own life, let me live my own life. let me dress however i like let me do whatevr i like let me be friends with whoever i like.

im being like you cos im scared. you wont know. its hard for me to forgive and forget.im trying.

i hate my past , im trying to like the present but im scared of the future.

im not trying to complain. im just expressing what i feel. there's more. ill continue when i have the time. i suck. but my family friends and other loved ones still love me for who i am.

i love you all. im sorry for complaining this much and im sorry to put on a fake smile and not expressing to you myself.